Our Programming: The Plan

Because our abuser's plan did not involve anyone in our system having a full picture of what was really going on, there was never a moment where he sat us down and explained, in full and honest detail, exactly what his methods were and what he was trying to achieve.

However, based on the actual parts we have, the other memories we have, and what our former internal handlers DO remember being told, the programming was mostly intended to alter our identity and present in a more normative way than we would have otherwise. We appeared to our adoptive parents to be developing as a lesbian, and our adoptive father, who believed that all lesbians secretly want to be men and all gay men secretly want to be women (which was a common conservative belief at the time), thought we had a part of us that was a boy or a man, especially after we started displaying signs of a system.

Our adoptive father's plan was to program us to have a large number of gay male alters who, in addition to being more willing to be abused (due to perceiving themselves as adults and preferring certain relationship dynamics that he programmed them to prefer), our programmer assumed would be happy to present as a woman when they discovered they were in a woman's body. He reinforced this by way of a script that involves a story about a gay man (Troy) who is abused by a GNC, seemingly transfem partner (Meredith) and later transitions to a woman named Trish.

We believe he got his information about programming, as well as many of these scripts, mostly from the internet. The internet was full of conspiracy sites in the old web days when this would have taken place. It was less regulated, too. While programming is not a conspiracy in and of itself, it is a part of many conspiracies. This includes some of the connections between the supposed Project Monarch and the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, which happened in 1998 and therefore when I was very young (three or four years old).

Furthermore, our abuser was old enough that he would remember when MK Ultra was in the news. He therefore would have conceivably been able to connect some of the MK Ultra experiments with the realization that his child had a dissociative condition, which is what we believe influenced some of the online research he did following our psychological incident. Namely, we believe it's where he got the idea to practice what is known as drug-based mind control.

While some of our programming is identifiably the same as certain alphabet programs, or could be considered "types" of alphabet programs, our headmates who were connected to the programming and know the names of the programs usually remember our programs being given different names, often references to literature - works like Les Miserables and Lolita.

Some of the programming was done through Trauma-Based Mind Control, but a good amount of it was Drug-Based Mind Control in particular. The drug used was alcohol, which explains surface memories of somehow knowing as a child what alcohol tasted like, before getting back hidden memories of these events.

We have a curious history with alcohol. The first time we were into drinking, we started discovering we had DID during a time where we didn't know about our system at all. The second time (which accounts for our current status as a drinker), our system was also dormant, but it presented as markedly more complex when it returned. When we drink, it is easier to get back memories of the past, including ones that were hidden. In particular, this happens when we watch movies that were used in our programming.

We discovered this tendency because of a movie theater in the town we moved to in 2025, which has a movie theater that shows older movies and serves cocktails. We started going to these movies and drinking while watching them, and we developed an odd pattern of finding fictives from the movies shortly after watching them, or uncovering hidden memories after watching them; unbeknownst to us, some of these movies were used in our programming, and the reason we were getting these memories back was because it was our first time watching these movies while drinking as an adult.

The cues we were programmed with were intended to trigger different headmates in the system, and then give those headmates cues that they responded to that would make them forget, remember, or do things. What very often happened was that this created headmates with subsystems that were different "versions" of the host of the subsystem and often had varying degrees of amnesia concerning the abuse, or with different parts that fronted at different cues. These are the stage-structured subsystems we talk about, where headmates with varying levels of amnesia switched during abuse that took place in "stages".

While we don't believe we were personally abused in an organized abuse context, we believe it is possible that our abuser wanted us to help him abuse others someday, possibly in such a capacity and potentially in the same ways that one character in one of our scripts is forced by their abuser to help the abuser abuse more people. In particular, one of our internal handlers remembers our programmer talking about how, when the body turned 21, he would take us to the nearest big city and help us sign a contract that would help us become a famous rock star, which was the major motivation he gave a lot of those internal handlers.

It is unknown what our abuser had planned for us when we turned 21, as we escaped him mere months before our 21st birthday, but in the months leading up to our escape, he talked with a little bit too much glee about how excited he was that he could finally get drunk with me and how excited he was for my 21st birthday and how he would have to take me out drinking with him. He was also letting me drink wine at home sometimes despite me being underage for drinking.

It was shortly after our 21st birthday that we discovered the Leeremauer - the Voidwall - in headspace, and we did not recognize it for what it was at the time, but that caused an event in which all construction of the wall was completed and Central Voidelia was locked in front until the Unification. It does not feel like a coincidence that this happened shortly after the day our adoptive father was so excited for. We will never know what was going to happen after we turned 21, but considering that some of our programming is intended to make us act as an emotional caretaker to him (which we did for several years after his wife died), it is doubtful he truly wanted us to be an independent adult like we are now.