Our Programming: The Motives

Since our abuser was acting alone, his motivations for why he did all this were personal and not generalizable to all or most cases, or to cases of organized abuse. However, we think his reasons are pretty self-explanatory if you know the details: identity control, and personal pleasure.

The thing about the programming is that the childhood psychological incident that clued our abuser in to us having a dissociative condition, was that it was connected to another incident.

As a very young child, we expressed to our adoptive mother that we wanted to marry a girl with a specific name, which was not the name of anyone we knew at the time. It was, however, the name of the fictive who wanted to be treated as her source. We didn't have a crush on the source character, though, so we think that was us talking about an in-system relationship (which is part of why we think we are partly endogenic).

The thing is, we were being raised as a girl by conservative Christians, so this was obviously not an acceptable thing to their ears. Our adoptive father decided to deal with the situation through corrective sexual abuse. That incident of abuse is what caused our fictive to take over the system for an extended time.

While we eventually "went back to normal", it was a highly unusual event in the eyes of the adults around us, and while they never talked about or acknowledged it going forward, we believe it's what caused our abuser to realize we had a system, start doing research that took him to programming, and came up with his plan.

Our abuser's programming was very sexual in nature, so the entire thing will not be explained on this site. However, it involved him, with faulty 1990s conservative concepts of queerness, making assumptions about our identity and trying to influence parts of us that he assumed existed (correctly or not, it can never be known) - that is, he assumed lesbians all want to be men and that gay men all want to be women, so that I, a plural lesbian, had alters who identified as men, whom my abuser wished to influence to be gay men in specific, who he believed would be happy to live as a woman once they realized they were in a "woman's body". He did this by way of scripts that were very sexual and even kink-oriented.

The parts that our abuser was influencing with programming - including programs intended to make the victim submissive to masculine people and behave similarly to a housewife - were intended to become the main parts of the system someday, or possibly even the "only" part left over after a final fusion that isn't inevitable for systems but that our abuser may have thought was due to consuming media about systems that DOES end in final fusion (e.g. Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho).

The idea was that, while the identity of the main/final parts did not have fully normative identities in the innerworld (they were supposed to be transfem, while being attracted only to men), they were people who wanted to present themselves in a way that WOULD be considered normative relative to our outerworld body (we were being raised as a girl and a transfem alter attracted to men would be perceived as a straight woman by the people around us).

However, our abuser put a lot more sexual and kink-related things into the programming than would be strictly necessary to enforce some of these identity standards, so we think that part of what he did was just for his own pleasure. Considering that we have memories of him making and possibly even distributing CSEM of us (albeit not with the help of anybody else), the programming also facilitated him doing these things.

While we don't remember our abuser ever explicitly explaining what all his kinks were, it's easy to guess what they were, given that kink or kink-like situations were a major part of the scripts in much of the programming. In particular, some of our scripted narratives explicitly involve D/s relationships, and we believe our programmer may have had some gender-related kinks (e.g. forcefem) that informed the exact route he took to controlling our identity.

However, knowing he was in a conversative Christian community where he tried to present as a pillar of the community, he almost definitely didn't have any outlet for his kinks, especially since many of them involved things that were already inherently taboo to most churches of the time and place. Programming me the way he did gave him his outlet.

This is one of the reasons my system is so in favor of talking about kink in general spaces. If our programmer had had more of an opportunity to do that, he may not have abused us the way he did.